For a long time, I didn't talk about the causes of my mental health problems, and I think that was part of the problem. A lot of what has happened to me stems from childhood trauma, which I buried away.
This then escalated into anxiety issues and depression, and I've since been diagnosed with complex PTSD. Sadly, because I hadn’t disclosed what had happened to me, a lot of the treatment I received through the NHS was trial and error, and I didn’t get to the root cause of the problem.
I've called Samaritans a few times throughout my life when it's been difficult to get the support I’ve needed through mental health services. I think there’s still a lot of stigma surrounding mental health, so even if you have close friends and family, it’s often easier to talk to an anonymous person at the end of the phone.
Gareth
Reaching crisis point
Things really came to a head for me in September 2023. I had separated from my partner six months before, but we were still living together, which was difficult. I was also unhappy in my job and found my work environment quite toxic. I wasn't getting the support that I needed from the organisation or my manager. I think the pressures of work along with the relationship breakdown combined at the same time and was too much.
I was away on a work trip for a few days, and the company had put us up in a hotel. There was an expectation one night that everyone would go out drinking. I don't usually drink alcohol, as it's something I've used in the past as a coping mechanism, though not to the point of addiction. However, on this particular night, because of the expectation of colleagues, I thought I would just have a couple. However, before I knew it, it was late in the evening, and I was drunk.
I went back to my hotel room and felt that everything was getting on top of me. I was in a bad place at that point and contemplating doing something drastic. It was at this point that I reached out and called Samaritans, as I had done many years ago.
I don’t remember much about that phone call but what I do know is the person I spoke to showed me a lot of empathy – and they didn't judge me. It was a case of them letting me talk and explain how I was feeling. That’s what I really needed at that point.
Over the course of the next week, I called about four times. Nobody told me what to do with my life, but rather they acted as a sounding board. Through the course of those calls, I started to realise what was putting me in this stressful situation and that there were things I could do something about. I decided to formulate a plan: get a new job, get my divorce sorted, sell my house, and get myself fit, healthy and active again.
Taking on the marathon
I wanted to give back to a service that had helped me so much, so decided to run the Berlin Marathon for Samaritans. A friend of mine had signed up, and I’m a keen runner anyway, so it planted the seed of thought. You really can't underestimate a marathon though; it’s just so physically demanding. There were a lot of people back home who were tracking me on the app and when I got back to the hotel and turned my phone on, I had so many messages.
Gareth
My mum had got up for 8am and was sat with her phone on the app – and my mum is in her mid-70s and not the best with technology. She was tracking me for the whole 3 hours and 42 minutes I was running.
Since then, I've really rediscovered my love of athletics and none of that would’ve been possible without Samaritans. I feel like I've been given a second chance, and I'm grabbing it with both hands. I have been gaining my qualifications in becoming an athletics official and have officiated at a wide range of events, including the UK under 23 Championships and the Welsh National Championships. I’ve made some new friends and being involved in the provision of the sport is amazing.
My own running is also getting better as my physical fitness is improving alongside my mental health. I’ve just run my fastest time for the 1500m distance since I was a teenager, improving my place as the number one runner in Wales aged over 40. I’m really proud to have worn the red vest of Wales once again, something I never dreamed would happen. It has inspired me to set new goals to work towards in the sport.
Looking to the future
I’ve definitely come a long way. On social media, especially Facebook, you get those notifications about your memories from previous years. I had one pop up recently and it was a photo I'd taken of myself. It was just that comparison of thinking, wow, I look so much different now. Now I can see a happiness in my eyes which I didn't see in those photos.
I’ve now changed jobs, finalised my divorce, and sold my house. I lost weight, got fitter and ran a marathon. I’ve achieved what I set out to do and my main goal now is to just be happy. You attract what you give out and if I can be happy in myself then whatever else happens, I can deal with.
Gareth
I spent a lot of my life not talking about the problems that I had and I think I was a victim of toxic masculinity; I hate the phrase, “man up.” I took the approach that men don't talk about this stuff and tried to deal with things myself. But by doing so my problems got worse. Samaritans gives you an outlet; it gives you the opportunity to talk about things in a non-judgmental way with people who only know as much or as little as you want to tell them. At the end of the day, to have Samaritans there whenever you need them is a game changer.
Without that call, I might not be here today – that’s the honest answer. I might not have done anything there and then, but if I hadn't made a change or reached out in the way I did, who knows what could have happened in the following weeks or months. I’m not sure I would’ve been able to turn the corner myself. The people I spoke to helped me put my life in order. It’s not too much to say that the person I spoke to saved my life that night.