I’ve been battling depression since at least the age of 16. As the years passed, it only got worse and I began to develop suicidal thoughts.
I felt isolated, worthless, and resigned to the fact that one day soon, I would take my own life. But really, my journey to that point started long before, because when I was seven years old, my mum took her own life. My memories of her are happy ones, like cuddling up in front of the TV to watch Murder She Wrote, and other small, special moments like that. I was a mummy’s girl and I thought the absolute world of her. But what I didn’t know was that she was fighting her own battle with severe depression.
I remember one morning, my older sisters and I were getting ready for school, but Mum was still asleep. We were trying to wake her up, but we just couldn’t. In the end, we took ourselves off to school. At some point during the day, I was picked up by my neighbour, who seemed upset and said that I needed to go home. I walked in through the front door and saw one of my sisters there with my dad. I remember shouting, ‘Where’s Mum?’ He sat us down and told us that she had passed away. That’s the first time I’d ever seen him cry. I remember laughing and saying, ‘Don’t be so ridiculous.’ I went outside into the garden to find her, but she wasn’t there either. I just screamed.
When I look back now, I wish my mum had known in that moment there was a number to call. There was a way she could have talked things through with someone because she clearly felt she had no one to speak to. I really think it could’ve saved her, just like how, many years later, it would save me.
When my own struggles with depression were at their worst, I found it so hard to open up to my friends and family. But after one difficult conversation with my sister, she gave me the number for Samaritans. I never thought I’d actually use it, but during one really terrible night, I found it on my phone and made a call that would change the course of my future.
I was convinced no-one would even answer because it was so late, but they did. They asked me how I was feeling and it’s such an emotional blur that I can’t even remember what I said, but I just know I cried and cried. It was a huge relief. That conversation felt like taking a few steps back from the ledge in my mind. The person on the other end of the line seemed to know exactly what I needed at that moment; they helped me see the bigger picture.
I now understand it’s a call that saved my life. I’d make others during the following months, with someone always there to talk.
With my partner and my sisters by my side, I really feel like I’ve come so far. This is the first time in many years that I can truly see a future for myself.
Layla
For a very long time, I couldn’t picture making it to another birthday; I thought I wouldn’t be here by then. But now I can see myself getting married, having children, and growing old. Tomorrow and all the days that follow finally feel like something I’m looking forward to.
I know I would never be where I am today if it wasn’t for Samaritans - and I'm sure that’s true for so many others who’ve made that same phone call in their darkest moments. It’s like a lifeline, and it’s so important we do what we can to make sure it’s still there to help countless others.
Since meeting Layla, all I can think about is my future with her – from building a family together to just doing the normal, everyday things. It doesn't need to be anything exciting as long as I'm with her.
I'm incredibly relieved that Layla reached out to Samaritans when she was going through such a difficult time. Knowing there was someone on the other end of the phone when she felt like there was no one else to speak to, means the world to me. It’s a scary thought of what might’ve happened if she hadn’t made that call.
Mike, Layla’s fiancé