I really don't think I would be alive if it wasn’t for Samaritans – what the volunteers do is incredible. They were there when I felt desperate, alone and scared. They saved my life.
My mum was an extraordinary woman. She was the kindest soul, extremely clever, and so very beautiful. She raised six children alone and amazingly gave us all time. Sadly, she lived with several neurological conditions, which doctors treated with extremely high doses of medication. The side effects of these drugs were awful and eventually she visited the doctor to say she was struggling to function and was advised to come off them.
About two weeks later she suffered the most intense psychosis imaginable. It was just horrific, and it got worse over the next six months. The treatment she received from medical professionals was appalling and, in the end, she just couldn’t see a way forward and tragically died by suicide. We were devasted and felt so let down by mental health services. Mum had been diagnosed with manic depression during her life, which we now recognise as bipolar, so she had experienced mental health struggles, but nothing that would’ve ended with her taking her own life.
What ensued was a two-year inquest, where it was eventually ruled that my mum and my family had been treated dreadfully and there was a lack of care from the medical professionals. We needed that recognition and to see policy changes.
Contacting Samaritans
Following the inquest, my mental health was in complete decline. I was still functioning – going to work, taking my daughter to school, cooking her dinners, but I wasn’t sleeping. I had been prescribed antidepressants, but I hadn’t been taking them. I was in a terrible way and lost all ability to feel anything, including love for those dearest to me. I was diagnosed with bipolar but had never shown any of the symptoms of this before my mum’s death. My diagnosis was really a result of trauma and PTSD.
My sister-in-law found me one night in a worrying state and called an ambulance, which led to me being taken into hospital where I stayed for several days. As I started seeing a psychiatrist and feeling more stable, I was faced with huge guilt at my behaviour, which made me feel even worse. It was at this time that I first contacted Samaritans.
I can’t tell you a single thing about that call or what we talked about. I know it was nighttime – that’s the hardest time, when everything stops and you’re feeling mentally unwell. It can be excruciating. I remember another call to Samaritans where they just stayed on the phone while I cried, struggling to get my words out.
The last time I called we spoke about my daughter, and I think that's such an important thing to do, to be able to access something that stops you from going to a really dark place – to stop you doing something final. And I came very, very close at times.
Anastasia
I really don't think I would be alive if it wasn’t for Samaritans – what the volunteers do is incredible. They were there when I felt desperate, alone and scared. They saved my life.
Making positive changes
I was watching the marathon during the 2024 Olympics and turned to my partner and said, “I think I could do that.” He was in slight disbelief and correctly pointed out that I had never even run before. But I was undeterred and emailed Samaritans for a place – God loves a trier. I was shocked to find out I had been chosen and then discovered three minutes into my first run that it was incredibly hard.
Samaritans didn’t just save me from my suicidal thoughts and intent many years ago but also from things that contributed to my poor mental health. Securing my place in the marathon brought about positive changes, such as cutting back on drinking and quitting smoking. The chances of me having a bad mental health episode at this point are slim to none because I'm not doing any of the things I used to do. Now I get my rush, my dopamine, from running.
It’s the perfect tonic; it halted my destructive compulsions by giving me something to replace it with. I’ve also now removed myself from situations and people where I’m likely to feel pressured to regress.
So much has changed in the past few years. I feel so much healthier. I even went on to have another baby. I do think it’s important to recognise though that we’re all humans and make mistakes – recovery definitely isn’t linear.
Fundraising challenges
I wanted to raise money for Samaritans in memory of my mum. I asked myself what can I do to stop someone else in her position choosing to end their life? And how can I use my social platforms to be able to talk about something that really matters and say Samaritans saved my life. Had my mum spoken to Samaritans, maybe things might’ve been different.
I think I was also motivated by the fact that mental health is such a huge part of my job now. I work as a funeral director, which has given me so much more understanding of suicide and people’s struggles with mental health. My position in the community allows me to do more outreach work and support people every day who are suffering with bereavement and trauma.
