Tara* (she/her) lives on her own in England and works as a psychologist. She has struggled with depression since she was a child, and had attempted suicide twice before the pandemic. During the pandemic she has had suicidal thoughts and self-harmed.
Since the pandemic began, she has been on an “emotional rollercoaster”. The lack of social contact and support made her feelings of depression more profound and life became almost unbearable for Tara at times.
I think COVID has increased or amplified the feeling that I'm just existing, there's no purpose to me being around.
The restrictions not only negatively affected Tara’s mental health, but also cut off nearly all her social contact which was “the most important part of my support system”. She felt “alone with my thoughts with no safe outlet.”
That's probably why I've had the ups and downs because I think that a lot of my support has been from particular friends. There's a couple of close friends, who know my history very well and there is the one who took me to A&E a few years ago when I attempted suicide and she's the one who I talk about my thoughts with. She also knows someone else who did take their own life so I guess she has a better understanding of this kind of thing. Generally if I had any difficulties, she's someone who I would turn to. But I think because of COVID, it feels like I've lost that support.
Unfortunately, government support such as social bubbles did not help Tara which left her feeling “forgotten about and left out”. As her colleagues returned to the office whilst Tara continued to shield due to physical health problems, she became further isolated and was excluded from conversations about wellbeing at work. Not surprisingly, she began to feel like “I am more truly on my own that I’ve ever felt before”.
I do have times where I just think, I could just, poof, just disappear, just like that. The world would just go on.
However, she also felt that “being at home has also helped me in terms of feeling safe to let out my emotions.”
I have had those days where I've felt down, I've cried, I've been able to do that in the privacy of my home. I've not had to struggle to manage it in the office.
Tara recognised she needed help and increased her medication but was reluctant to seek any extra mental health support. Due to distrust of mental health services, she felt like “I can only rely on myself” and found her own coping mechanisms. Some of these were not healthy such as drinking alcohol “as a way of numbing things” and self-harming non-suicidally for the first time. However, Tara found that Netflix was a healthier way to escape. Being able to “immerse herself” in boxsets gave her the “respite from negative thoughts or painful emotions” she needed to cope through the pandemic.
I've never watched so much Netflix in my life. I think as well as just being the entertainment thing, I think it's also been the coping mechanism, maybe the only way of coping under the circumstances. I guess for me it's almost been like a life-saver.
Feelings of loneliness and insignificance permeated Tara’s thoughts about the future. She felt it was safer for her not to be hopeful about the restrictions being eased, as “if I get excited about it and it doesn’t happen, the disappointment would impact me quite negatively”. Deeply aware of how much the restrictions have affected her already fragile mental health, for now, she takes it “day by day”.
* Names have been changed to protect identities.
Read more about how physical health and psychological factors have been impacted by the coronavirus pandemic.