Sophie’s story

Since I was a teenager, I’ve struggled a lot with low mood and anxiety, which seemed to get worse when I went to university. Some really bad things happened while I was studying for my degree, including several instances of assault. This made my mental health much worse, and I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD.

Sometimes you don't realise just how bad a place you’re in until you're out of it. I remember telling my housemate I felt suicidal and she drove me to A&E. I felt like I shouldn’t be there and I was wasting everyone’s time. I waited at the hospital all night, and despite the doctors being reassuring, I left there feeling terrible and not knowing what to do with myself.

I had been through counselling and group therapy, and was trying different medications, with the side effects of these also making me feel awful. I got to a point where it felt like nothing was helping and nothing was working. I remember thinking there was literally nothing I could do and it was going to feel this way forever. I didn’t think I could keep doing it anymore, so one night I took myself off to end my life.

Once I made my mind up that I no longer wanted to live, things felt lighter. I felt like I had a solution. I was going to die and that was going to solve all my problems. However, there was this tiny little part of my brain saying, “This is a bad idea. There’s a reason this is a bad idea, even though I can’t think of it right now.” One good thing is that at the end of every doctor's appointment, they would always say, “You've got Samaritan's number, right? You've got it saved in your phone?”

I decided to call and spoke to someone really lovely. I don't know how they stay so calm when they're talking to someone that's so stressed out. I'm in awe. I don't remember what we talked about – it must be some kind of mental block as a result of a stressful situation. I know the vague events of what happened that evening, but I don't know exactly what made me suddenly feel so bad.

I'm extremely grateful that someone was there on the other end of the phone that night. I think for me, nighttime has always been worse. I do have family and friends I can call, but part of my anxiety is that I hate bothering people and I just feel like I’m being a burden. I think with Samaritans, the fact you don’t know that person means you can say anything – that’s huge.

I’ve always found that running is good for my brain – that’s the main reason I run. I got into it when I was about 15 but didn’t do anything above a 10K until I was at university. I've done a few half marathons but always said I would run one full marathon in my life, so when I saw an advert for Paris, I applied, not thinking I would get accepted – but I did. I really wanted to be able to give back and support a charity that had helped me so much. It felt slightly serendipitous to be honest, running in Paris for Samaritans. It felt like it was my time.

My fundraising has been going well. I’ve been doing a lot of posts on Instagram, which I think has helped. I decided to post a short video that talked about why I’m running and what Samaritans means to me, which people responded well to. It’s also been nice to be able to give training updates with really cool photos of Paris and where I’ve been running. It’s like, “Ooh look, it’s the Eiffel Tower.”

My boyfriend and mum will be coming over to Paris to support, and I’ll tell all my work friends to come and cheer me on, too. I'm looking forward to the achievement of completing it – of actually making it to the end. But to be fair it's going to be a lovely run. It literally goes all the way across the city, which will be so pretty. I’ve been told the atmosphere is amazing, too.