Sarah’s story

Back in 2020 I really wasn’t in a good way. I had started to recognise that I couldn’t stay in my relationship, but the thought of uprooting everything seemed overwhelming. At the time, I was married to a man, who I had married when we were extremely young. However, as time went on, I realised that I wasn’t straight. I also found that I had a lot of internalised issues with being gay. I am outwardly feminine and felt like the representation I had seen up until that point that didn’t align with me.

I kept thinking about my family, who had always been incredibly supportive, and my partner at the time. I didn’t know how I could undo this life that I had built for myself. I felt this pressure that I might be stuck in this situation forever. I eventually woke up one morning feeling like I didn’t want to be here anymore; not because I wanted to kill myself, but purely because I thought everyone’s lives would be easier if I wasn’t around.

I was googling emergency counselling services and Samaritans kept coming up. I’d seen their signs at railway stations before and knew of the charity, but I always thought you had to be suicidal, so I dismissed it. However, after reading more about them, I realised that actually, I can go to Samaritans for support.

I jumped in a cab and went to the face-to-face service in central London. I walked through the door and immediately, I remember feeling this sense of comfort. There was a lady at the desk who asked if I was ok, and I just cried. From the minute I was in the room with the volunteer, they just made me so comfortable. They made what was going to happen extremely clear – she outlined the session and gave a definite end time. She gave me a safe space. 

The volunteer saved me, not in a physical sense, but she saved who I am. I was ready to bury all of my feelings and never truly acknowledge who I am; the volunteer was the first person I said out loud to that I was gay.

When I walked into the room I was a complete mess, but when I left, I was equipped to go out and do what I needed to do to live my life. She never told me what to do but she gave me the tools to think through what I needed to do for myself. It’s taken a long time for me to get to where I am today, but I’ve thought about that day every single day of this process. I actually wrote a letter to the volunteer to let her know what she did for me that day. To this day, I still think about her and the power of her words.

It’s really tiring when you are trying to be someone that you are not. It’s really exhausting and it impacts all areas of your life, so I would say now that I’m living a better life in general. I’m more confident in my work, happier at home, I’m a better daughter, and ultimately, a better human.

To anyone struggling, it can be so hard to verbalise things that scare you and cause you anxiety and distress. But going to Samaritans is a safe place to do that, it’s a place that there is no judgement and you can say anything – even if you think it’s small, you aren’t made to think it’s small, you can have your feelings validated. Sometimes, when you say something out loud it takes power away from it.

I watched a tv programme recently where a character is waiting to be haunted by a ghost and another character says to them, ‘Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want someone to sit with you while you wait for the beast in the jungle?’ And that is just what it’s like at Samaritans; they can’t take away your problems, but they can sit with you while you face them. It’s like having someone on your team.