I’ve always struggled with my mental health. Growing up, I never felt like I belonged and believed I was too sensitive for the world.
I was diagnosed with depression at 16 and later on, social anxiety. At university I experienced suicidal thoughts but never acted on them.
I attribute a lot of my mental health problems to the fact I never felt I was living as my true self. I remember being in the playground at primary school and just wanting to play football with the boys – I was a classic tomboy. I thought I was a boy for so much of my life and then puberty hit, and I was puzzled by what was going on. I think perhaps that’s why I was mad at the world, as it felt like it didn’t give me the right start. When I was 27, I decided I wanted to transition and began the process to do this.
Coming out to my family as trans was really hard. You think your family will love you no matter what and then they hear something they don’t like, and you feel you’ve let them down just by being yourself. That was really tough to deal with.
Reaching crisis point
When I’m in a relationship I seem to lose myself a bit and I was with a partner who wasn’t supportive. They knew I had always struggled with my mental health and that I’m an overthinker. We were out one night for a friend’s leaving drinks and I said, “I don’t feel that anyone really wants me here.” Rather than offer reassurance, they told me to go home.
The conversation turned into an argument, and I took myself off from the group. I tried to call a couple of friends but there was no answer. I had been drinking, and it was at this point that I was making plans to end my own life. That’s when I decided to call Samaritans, which is the reason I’m still here today.
I remember the volunteer that picked up was a lady and she was softly spoken. By this point I was really freaking out, but she manged to ground me. She talked to me about what was important in my life, and I told her about my dog and my mum. She made me realise I had a reason to stay here.
I decided to get a PT to help me get physically healthier and having two dogs has really encouraged me to get out and go for walks, which is beneficial for my mental health. I now have Penny and Pablo and they’re my best friends – they’re angels.
My true self
In terms of the future, I always used to be a big dreamer. But now I want the more everyday things, like continuing to progress at work and having a family. I’m looking forward to the future now.
If I hadn’t contacted Samaritans that night, then I don’t believe I would be here. That phone called saved me. I owe Samaritans my life and now donate to them every month, as a way to say thank you. Most importantly, I want to help Samaritans be there to help others who are in crisis.
