Efe’s story

Growing up there was always conflict in my family; my mum and dad didn’t always get along but stuck it out for me and my younger brother. However, things reached a head in 2019 when my mum decided she couldn’t take anymore and wanted a divorce. My dad, whose behaviour had always been really challenging, became abusive.

Despite my parents being separated, we were all still living together. The police would constantly be at the house needing to intervene. I remember my mum phoning one day and saying I had to come home as dad was making death threats. Barricading ourselves upstairs for safety became a common occurrence. I was only 14 at the time, so it was a lot to deal with. I started to move around and stay with other relatives, and I remember not being able to spend Christmas Day at home in 2019, because my dad was too volatile. It left me feeling really depressed.

Things deteriorated when we went into lockdown. My dad’s behaviour got even worse, and I seemed to be the target. It didn’t seem to matter what I did. I would be banned from coming downstairs and my mum would have to sneak me around the house, as if dad saw me, he might threaten to do something. At times, it did get physical, and I lived in fear. I think this changed me and I wasn’t the same person post-15. One night, he really became violent, the police were called, and he was taken away. We weren’t allowed to live with him after that.

I really struggled to form any friendships at my new school, as I was having large periods of time off and disassociation made it hard to remember previous friendships. I also had to give up on my biggest passion: basketball. At the time, I was one of the best basketball players my age in the country and was playing for Great Britain. I was getting injured as I wasn’t sleeping, and my body couldn’t perform as it needed to. Plus, my attendance at the academy just wasn’t high enough. It was devastating to give up on that dream.

The thing that stuck out to me most was that someone was there to listen to me without judging. I felt like I had spent my life being judged and feeling that things were my fault. The volunteers were willing to hear what I had to say and there was no expectation, I could just speak and it didn’t matter if it made no sense – sometimes I would just cry down the phone.

For me it went a really long way and showed me that there are people who want to listen and that do care. It was a big thing. Speaking to Samaritans is what kickstarted me into going to therapy. I realised how much better I felt just by talking and getting things out. The volunteers I spoke to made me see things clearly and work out a way for me to move forward with my life.

If I hadn’t called Samaritans, then I really don’t know what would’ve happened. I felt like I was starting to lose my mind. I wasn’t sleeping, I was constantly angry, and I just didn’t care about anything anymore. I was at my wits end and didn’t have anyone around me to confide in.

I think my mum is a good person but was hugely impacted by the abuse from my dad and was struggling with her mental health. Certain things would trigger her, and I think in some ways she felt like I was a reincarnation of my dad, which was really tough on me. I hadn’t done those things to her. I was her son. In the end our relationship completely broke down.

I had secured a place at Loughborough University and they were amazing when I explained the situation. I had no money and no means of moving all my belongings. The money I had earned from my holiday job in a warehouse I had spent on university essentials. The university arranged for a taxi to transport me and they put me up in accommodation for a couple of weeks before term started, as well as providing me with food, which I couldn’t afford.

The day I left for university was so hard, as I had to say goodbye to my brother, and I didn’t know when I was going to see him again. I wrote a note for my mum and slipped it under her room door, saying I could no longer cope with the way things were between us. We didn’t have contact for a year and a half. It was initially scary not knowing where I would go for the Christmas or Easter holidays, but I found a lovely church and made new friends, who took me in.

My mum emailed me last December as my dad was in hospital, dying. I hadn’t seen him for several years and thought he had gone back to Nigeria, so it came as a shock. I decided it wasn’t right for me to travel home at that point, and he passed away a few days later.

My mum asked if I would like to go home for Christmas and I wanted to give things a chance and to see my brother, so I spent the holiday period with them, which was nice. My mum had started to get support for her mental health, and I could see real improvement. Our relationship has definitely improved, and we actually went away on a family holiday for the first time in April to the Lake District.

Looking ahead

I’m studying for a degree in accounting and finance and currently on my year abroad. I'm in Nice, France, this semester and then I'll be in Lausanne, Switzerland. I'm really enjoying it and it’s a great opportunity to meet people and do some travelling. I've started playing basketball again out here in France and at university and I'm on the second team. I'm going to try and rebuild my confidence.

My perspective of what matters and what I value has changed. I find a lot more purpose in helping people and have started my own blog about my struggles with mental health. I want other people to know there is hope. I enquired about becoming a Samaritan but couldn’t commit the time just now. It’s something I might do in the future.