I’ve been dealing with anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I went through a particularly rough patch in 2012 and was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At the time, I sought the support I needed and pulled through. In my head I couldn’t see things ever getting that bad again, but sadly I was wrong.
My mental health began to decline again around 2019. I was constantly battling anxiety and depression, always searching for something - anything - to distract me from how I felt. It was during this vulnerable period that I found myself drawn to online gambling. And, as the story so often goes, once I started, I couldn't stop.
Within days, I had lost thousands of pounds. I quickly fell into a cycle of borrowing money, only to spend it on more gambling. In just a few weeks, my debt had spiralled to £60,000.
Even now, with the benefit of hindsight, I still struggle to understand how or why gambling pulls people in so deeply. But once I started losing, I became trapped in the cycle of trying to win it back. I consider myself an intelligent man, yet somehow, I didn’t see the hole I was digging until I was already in too deep.
If I was anxious before, I was utterly consumed by it now. I had absolutely no accessible money left in my bank account, and I ended up not eating for days. But even then, I could not force myself to tell my family or friends the mess I’d got myself in – I was paralysed by the shame and guilt. One evening, with no food in the house, and crippled with anxiety and depression, I was feeling utterly suicidal and made plans to end my life. I just could not see a way back.
I was on the floor of my house consumed by awful thoughts. I knew I needed to do something, but calling family or friends wasn’t an option. That said, I was desperate to talk to someone – anyone. That’s when I thought of Samaritans.
I’ve always been aware of Samaritans, ever since I was a child, but I’d never thought to call a helpline before. Feeling desperate, I dialled Samaritans’ number, where a kind and calm man answered. I ended up talking to him for over an hour – about everything. The gambling. The debt. How I got there. The feelings I couldn’t shake. He listened without judgment and by the end of the call, he gently guided me towards some crucial next steps. He referred me to StepChange and GamCare and encouraged me to speak with my GP about the anxiety and depression I’d been struggling with.
I can’t overstate the power of reaching out. Even when you feel like you’re beyond help and the world is ending, just hearing a calm, compassionate voice at the other end of the phone, someone who doesn’t judge, only listens and supports, can change everything. In my case, it quite literally saved my life.
I eventually began seeing a therapist, who encouraged me to explore the possibility of an autism diagnosis, which I did. When I was officially diagnosed with autism, so many pieces finally fell into place. I had always wondered why I struggled to fit in socially, or why my mind seemed to work differently from others, and suddenly, it all made sense.
Around that same time, I started a small reselling business and built an online community. What began as a way to help me pay off my debts quickly grew into something more meaningful, a platform where I could share my journey and offer support and advice to others facing similar challenges. Today, my YouTube channel has around 2,500 subscribers, where I talk about how to get the most out of reselling.
Now, I’m debt-free. My anxiety has improved dramatically, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a suicidal thought. Over the past six years, whenever I’ve been really struggling, I’ve turned to Samaritans, and every time, that conversation leaves me feeling lighter, more grounded, and less alone.
Before I picked up the phone that first time, I was penniless, overwhelmed with anxiety, and on the edge. I truly believe that if it weren’t for that call, I might not be here today.
