Exams-Is Someone Coping?

What can you do to make sure that someone's coping with stress at exam time?

Begin by keeping a careful eye out for specific signs of stress - these are typical:

Emotional signs:

• Angry and impatient with people?
• Close to tears over small events?
• Behaving differently from usual, including excessive drinking or smoking?
• Isolated from people around you?
• self deprecating comments "I know I'll never pass... John's much brighter than me..."
• calls for help such as 'hanging round' seeming to want to talk

Physical signs:

• Sleeplessness
• Loss of appetite or irregular eating
• Panic attacks and difficulty breathing
• Tight, knotty feelings in the stomach
• Low energy and lack of concentration
• Loss of interest in anything but work

Any one of these signs of stress should alert you that there's a problem - several signs and alarm bells should be ringing. And be aware that it's not just the hard workers and high achievers who get stressed out. Students with a more moderate track record may be the ones who get most upset because they want to achieve and fear they can't.

Practical support - like making sure they eat well, sleep enough, and get some exercise - will make a difference if you can enforce it.

Emotional support too is vital. If someone seems upset or snappy, don't necessarily rush in to calm them down - and so give the impression that they are wrong to feel what they are feeling. The best thing by far is simply to listen - to allow and encourage them to express their worries and fears. Don't feel you have to offer advice or guidance - what they most need, and what will be of most help, is simply space - to talk, to cry, or simply to sit quietly and be.

There may come a point, though, when what someone needs is one step on from family or friends. Samaritans are always there to offer support and can be contacted at any time of the day or night.

The final and crucial thing to remember, however, is that your attitude could have a significant influence on the other person’s emotions. If you panic, blame or otherwise put pressure on them, then their stress will probably be all the greater. Essentially, what people, and particularly children, need to know is that they are accepted and valued for their efforts as much as for their achievements; for whether they try rather than whether they succeed. That way they can start to accept themselves, feel good about themselves – the stress will start to reduce. Long term, people who are treated in this way will almost certainly be more likely to succeed in the future.

In short, the best message you can give is: "If you've done your best, that's all I can ask. Whatever your results are, I'll still love you."

Susan Quilliam, agony aunt FHM
Based on What To Do When You Really Want To Help But Don't Know How, by Susan Quilliam, published by Transformation Press.