Difficult Conversations
Starting the conversation
Every situation is
different but here are some suggestions to help you start a
difficult conversation. Often, starting a conversation is half the
battle. Once someone knows they can talk, they will. You could try
and go straight to the heart of the problem:
‘You seem really stressed out.
What’s the matter, are you coping OK?’
This direct approach could put people on the
defensive. They may think you're accusing them of not dealing with
the problem. So you could try a more gentle approach:
‘It must be difficult having your
first baby. Is there anything you want to talk
about?’
or
‘It’s difficult starting a new
job. How are things going?’
By coming across as understanding, tactful and
gentle, there's a better chance that the other person will respond.
Some useful phrases include 'what can I do?', 'Why don't we have a
coffee and talk about it?', 'I've been a bit worried about you',
'How are things going?', 'I'd like to help'. It’s also useful to
ask ‘open questions’ as this means the person cannot respond with a
simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.
Think about where and when to have the
conversation before you start. Choose somewhere where the other
person feels comfortable and has time to talk.
Asking the right questions
You might feel that you don't know how to help
someone, because you don't know what to tell them or how to solve
their problems. You don’t need to be an expert to support someone.
In fact, sometimes people who think they have the answers to a
problem are less helpful. This is because they forget that every
person is different, so that what worked for one will not always
work for another.
You might feel that you don't know how to help
someone, because you don't know what to tell them. But you
shouldn't tell them anything. Telling doesn't help. The best way to
help is to ask questions. That way you leave the other person in
control. By asking questions, the person you are talking with finds
his or her own answers.
Active listening is a way of listening which
helps people talk through their problems, however difficult to put
into words they find it. Find out
more about active listening
Here are some questions which can lead
conversations into useful areas:
- When – 'When did you realise?'
- Where – 'Where did that happen?'
- What – 'What else happened?'
- How – 'How did that feel?'
- Why - Be more careful when asking a person 'why' – it can sound
challenging, and put the other person on the defensive. ‘What made
you choose that’ or ‘What were you thinking about at the time’
could be more effective.
All of these questions effectively ask the
person you're talking with to examine, honestly, the problems
they're experiencing. All you need to do is start the conversation.
Nobody expects you to know the answers. But that doesn't mean
you're not helping.
Find out how they are feeling
Don’t forget to ask how this person is
feeling. Sometimes people will talk you though all the facts of
what happened and why it happened and what actions they are
thinking of taking, but never say how they actually feel.
Revealing your inner most emotions- anger,
sadness, fear, hope, jealously, despair and so forth – can be a
huge relief. It sometimes also give clues about what the
person is really most worried about.
Checking they know where to get help
If someone has been feeling low for some time
it is probably a good idea that they get some support, whether it
is through talking to someone like a counsellor or getting some
practical support for the problems they are experiencing.
Useful questions might be:
Have you talked to anyone else
about this? Would you like to get some help? Would you like me to
come with you?
Or, for someone who is reluctant to get
help:
In an ideal world what would you
like to happen next? Do you have someone you trust you can go to?
If it helps you can talk to me any time.
I think I said the wrong thing
There is no perfect way to handle a difficult
conversation, so don’t be too hard on yourself if it didn’t go as
well as you had hoped.
If you feel able to, put things right. “Last
week I said … and I realise now that was insensitive so I’m sorry.
What I meant to say was … “
Sometimes the person is not ready to talk.
Being there for them in other ways, like through socialising or
helping with practical things, can also be a great source of
support.
Find out
about a way of listening that helps people talk about their
problems
Looking after yourself
Hearing someone else’s worries or problems can be distressing
for you too. Samaritans volunteers often talk through a
conversation that they found upsetting with another volunteer, in
order to get some support themselves. We would encourage you
to do the same. Talk to another friend about it or, if you have
promised not to tell anyone else, you can call Samaritans who will
keep the information confidential. Take care not to take on so much
of other people’s problems that you yourself start feeling
depressed.
Useful information
More
information about Active Listening
Personal
Stories
Other
sources of support