Mary's Story

When I called, it was almost exactly how I’d expected it to be.

I can’t remember whether I spoke to a man or a woman that first time, but they sounded like they were used to speaking to people who self harmed and they weren’t shocked by it. Even better,
they weren’t trying to actively solve my problems for me. I think I spoke to them for around half an hour.

It sounds really corny, but after the call, I felt really listened to and understood. Previously I’d felt like my self harm was something freakish and wrong and I couldn’t understand it or get my head round it. But they made me feel like I wasn’t a freak; like they understood why I needed to do it in order to cope.

Since the first time I called, I’ve used Samaritans service fairly regularly. My mental health has continued to go through good and bad patches, and at times when it’s been hardest for me I have sometimes called daily, but mostly I ring once a month or so. I’m still on medication and I have regular psychotherapy sessions.

I remember one time when I was in hospital. I vividly recall that even though I was under 24 hour observation, I had self harmed on a number of occasions, but one night I knew that I wanted to resist the urge. So I tried to speak to someone, but no one on the ward seemed interested, or was able to help me. So I wandered past the night staff, and rang Samaritans on my mobile phone in the one room which had enough of a phone signal. I remember thinking at the time how ironic it was that my insurance company was paying all this money for me to have all this specialist care, and yet the only people who could help me were the people who do it for free: Samaritans.

I invariably cry when I call, and this gives me a huge sense of catharsis and release. It’s easier to be completely honest with Samaritans, not to self-censor when you speak, because you don’t know the person, you can’t see them, and you’ll never meet them. It’s not like with friends; you don’t have to worry about protecting the volunteer at the end of the phone from your more extreme feelings, or what they might think about you for feeling that way. I don’t necessarily want my friends to have to think of me having thoughts about killing myself, which I often do. With Samaritans, I can say it just as it is. I even find it hard to make myself be completely honest with my psychiatrist, who I see every week, because I do care, I realise, about what he thinks of me. I suppose that no one wants to feel judged.

It’s easier to be completely honest with Samaritans, not to self-censor when you speak, because you don’t know the person...

I know that whenever I’ve called, talking to Samaritans has helped me to overcome my urge to cut or to take pills, or to modify my self harm to be less extreme. I usually feel relieved after I’ve spoken to Samaritans, partly because I’ve cried, but also partly because I’ve been listened to. Talking things through with someone who seems objective often helps me to get a different perspective and to understand more clearly what’s going on. The feeling of acceptance that I get from speaking to Samaritans makes the symptoms of my illness less intense.

I can’t overstate how helpful it is to feel listened to and understood. The service is unique, and phenomenal, and I’m incredibly grateful to Samaritans. It’s a completely fundamental part of what keeps me afloat, literally alive and functioning. Apart from the two periods when I’ve been hospitalised, I have carried on working during the past three years, living in my own home, seeing friends and having a life. To be able to ring - at any time - and to be guaranteed that I will speak to someone who will be understanding, gentle and non judgemental is remarkable.

With any friends I know who are experiencing depression, I absolutely encourage them to ring Samaritans. It’s only through my contact with the organisation that I know it’s not just for the suicidal. I think it’s difficult for people to get their heads round the idea that it’s there not only for people who are suicidal but also for people with varying degrees of depression or other distressing symptoms, because it seems extraordinary that you could cover such a wide range. So in some ways, it’s not surprising that people worry about wasting Samaritans’ time. But I would say, just try it – it’s one phone call and if you don’t like it you can finish it within minutes. What have you got to lose?

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