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Improving close relationships: Stress and family life

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Couples can experience a range of factors that can cause their marriage or partnership to struggle or even end.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics reveal slightly fewer people in England and Wales got divorced in 2007 than in 2006 - 11.9 divorcing people per 1,000 married population compared to 12.2.

However, for the sixth year in a row the age group most at risk from divorce were young men and women in their late 20s. In 68 per cent of cases, the wife was granted the divorce and behaviour was the most common cause of it being awarded to one party.

Individuals in a marriage may bring outside factors into the relationship, including dissatisfaction or stress at work and memories of things that happened to them in the past. While these do not in themselves cause stress within a marriage, they can add to underlying problems.

Together, the couple may find raising children difficult, money issues may be a worry, or big events like death or serious illness could impact on them.

Relate counsellor Mo Kurimbokus, who is based at the organisation's North London base in Palmers Green, says communication is the reason couples do, or do not, have a good relationship.

He says the majority of couples he sees have communications problems and, if these can be addressed, they often experience an immediate improvement in their relationship. But sometimes, partners have gone on for months or years being miserable and angry at each other.

"It is sadly my experience that people wait until it is a last resort [to come to couples counselling].

"A lot of damage is done by waiting. I wish they would come earlier … at the point where they realise they are unhappy or can't communicate, it's a good time to give us a ring."

Good communication between partners and family members may have to be worked at. Not everyone is a good communicator - for example, some people might realise they interrupt before the other person has finished speaking or may respond without properly listening to what has been said to them.

Many specialist organisations recommend using a few simple strategies to improve communication, such as setting aside special time for talking, trying not to apportion blame, with each individual explaining how they feel rather than talking about what they perceive has been done to them by the other.

However, when the situation has been continuing for some time, it may be that one partner feels the relationship cannot be saved.

If couples agree counselling is the way to go and begin attending sessions, he added he can see the stress they have put themselves and each other under - sometimes clients will already be crying in the waiting room prior to a session. The impact of a couple that is not getting along can "ripple out" into the rest of the household, the immediate family and even into the community, he added.

Not only that, stress within a relationship can have an impact on work life too. Mr Kurimbokus explained sometimes people felt so overwhelmed by the lack of communication and other problems within their marriage, they could take this into a job situation and produce poor-quality work.

According to the Health and Safety Executive (HSE), a degree of pressure on the job can be a positive thing. For example, it might help people focus, perform to their best ability. Bringing stress to work is a different matter, as it is distracting.

On its website, the HSE notes: "In some case, prolonged stress can lead to physical and/or mental ill health.

"If you think you are currently experiencing stress-related ill health you may benefit from a discussion with your GP."

Some people who feel very badly affected by stress from a relationship may even be forced to take time off work because they cannot function properly. Ironically, this could put even more pressure onto the marriage, regarding money issues and self-esteem, for example.

Sex within a relationship can also be an issue of contention. A recent national poll by the Times newspaper received 1,675 responses about their sex lives.

The split between the genders was 54 per cent male to 46 per cent female and looked at what happens to a sexual relationship once a couple have children.

Some 63 per cent told the newspaper they had sex at least once most weeks, with some enjoying it several times a week. The Times suggested this "painted a reassuring picture"; However, frequency of sex within relationships can become a problem if one partner wants more while the other, for whatever reason, wants less.

Affairs can happen if one person in a relationship feels their needs are not being met - but not only sexually, emotionally too. An exposed affair can often bring a sense of relief at being caught - like a signal to the other partner that something was indeed wrong with their relationship.

Mr Kurimbokus said around 20 per cent of his client couples had experienced an affair and he thought it was down to needs not being met - "so it's down to communication again", he said.

However, a couple might in the end decide the best course of action is to separate. There are many centres that offer mediation services to help a couple who are splitting up to do so in way that is practical.

The government describes it as "more like negotiating an agreement and resolving a dispute without involving lawyers or the courts".

"Mediation can be used when you have decided to go ahead with a divorce, dissolution or separation, by helping you to work out solutions in ways that reduce confrontation," it adds via the Direct.gov website, which also contains some useful information for couples who feel their relationships need improving with help from a third party.

Mr Kurimbokus explained both partners may not agree counselling is the way to go. However, he added: "The truth is, if they are committed, we are usually able to help.

"Counselling is important for many reasons. It is about change, they come to us because they need help. The idea is to strengthen relationships in the hope people will be in a happier and better place."

Samaritans is there to offer non-judgemental, 24 hour support to anyone experiencing emotional distress due to relationship difficulties or other problems.

Across the UK, you can call Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 (1850 60 90 90 in the Republic of Ireland), email jo@samaritans.org, or arrange for face-to-face support. Visit http://www.samaritans.org/ to find your local branch.

Improving close relationships: Stress and family life

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